I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
