I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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