Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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