hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
