I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
