I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
