I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
