About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
