I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
