Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
