Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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