why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
