He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
