i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
