when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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