Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
