how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
