Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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