I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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