I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
