I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
