I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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