There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
