xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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