I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
