If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
