So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she smelled like a LAN party
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
