After last night, I could never be a politician.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
