true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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