Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
