hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
