lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
