The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
