Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
