Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
