my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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