Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize