hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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