Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
