see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
