This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
