and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
we're so committed to being not committed