and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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