Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
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I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath