come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
honey bunches of taint.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?