my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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