im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Come on in and take your pants off
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