Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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