Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
