So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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