Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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