drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
