Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
