Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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