I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
