I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
