Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize