hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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